10 year High School Reunion (Part One)

Continuing from my last post...

Friday Night(Picnic in the Park with Family): Eventually we went. I forgave dh, because, really, I *know* I'm fat, and punishing HIM for it just wasn't going to do anything. I will sign him up for sensitivity training though.

We got there about an hour late, no biggie, it wasn't a structured thing and people were coming and going the whole time. As we walked to the pavilion, and I was squinting to see anyone I knew, I could see people squinting at us to see if I was someone they knew. I could see them "counting" in their head all my little ducklings trailing behind me...1, 2, 3, wow...4...5...are those all hers? ...6 Oh my gosh! Are there anymore?

It was sooo crowded, little kids running everywhere and of course mine wanted to run off too. We tried to take Liam out of his car seat only to see poop alllllll the way up his back, lol. And of COURSE we didn't bring a change of clothes. Eric took him back to the van and tried to "salvage" his outfit and the carseat, I let the 3 boys go play on the playground, I tried to keep the twins still next to me. A couple girls I knew came right up to me and we were talking. One asked if the twins were mine, I said yes, and there's 4 more...her eyes about popped out of her head. She said, "Oh, *your* the one with 6 kids?!?!" I say...."Whaaaaaa? I'm being *talked* about? Oh man...." She looks worried, "Oh, no, I um, no I just heard someone say...someone had 6 kids...." backpedal...backpedal.... Greaaaat. lol

I ended up just chasing the twins around on the playground. I did see a buddy there, he was chasing his *one* child, lol. He pointed out his son, and his pregnant wife. Right then, some of my kids came down the twisty slide. I tapped them on the head and said, "This one's mine, this one, this one....one over there....there should be one more running around, and the immobile one is on that blanket with my hubby over there." Yeah, he did the eye pop mouth open thing. We talked about "the old gang" to see if either of us knew what happened to them, I knew pretty much about all the girls, and he, the guys, lol.

I went to sit on our blanket and trade with Eric the duty of watching all 5 kids (I was getting dizzy!) for the mellow poop-free, yet pantsless baby.
But then Liam got fussy, the twins were cranky, I was tired...and we'd only been there maybe 30 minutes. I motioned to Eric I wanted to leave (I really wanted to stay, but it was pointless with all our munchkins. And I was getting tired of being a side show.

Eric brought Allie to me on the blanket, who was very upset about being taken from the slide, even though she refuses to slide down it, Ethan was whining about wanting to go play the games (they'd set up for the kids), Liam was getting really fussy, Eric plopped Robbie down too, who jumped up and ran away, Spencer chased him down, and brought him back, but Robbie did that "limp toddler" thing, you know, so it's impossible to pick them up? So his shirt is half off and it looks like Spencer is mugging him, while trying to drag him back... I get a hold of Robbie, and Allie runs off SCREAMING. I ask Spencer to just follow her, but NOT try to drag her back. Oh, and I'm trying to talk to someone who came over to my blanket, I'm sure it was lovely, we were a regular three ring circus!

Eric comes back with Jordan, I ask him to take Liam and Robbie to the car, I tell Jordan and Ethan to follow Daddy, and I will go get Allie and her watchdog, Spencer. (sigh)

They had ended up on the opposite side of the park, on top of the very highest slide. Oh yeah, remember Allie's petrifying fear of going DOWN the slide? Spence and Allie are blocking the top, I'm trying to tell Spencer to help her down, but there are about 6 little kids in the way who won't move, so Spencer just goes past her and leaves her up there! Another little girl (maybe 2) thinks that's a good idea because this chick isn't moving, so she pushes past Allie too. This freaks her out, and she starts screaming. I'm trying to reach up and grab Allie, but it's way too high. I'm then trying to tell these little kids I need them to move so I can go get her. They look at me like I'm speaking Chinese pig latin, with a russian accent. Some of their parents see what's going on and try to help me move them. They still won't move. They think I'm "cutting" in line, lol

I finally climb up (and gee. It really is high, and there are no sides to the slide, just really low handles at the top. I was a little nervous too!), Convince Allie to walk backwards down the stairs, but she's still screaming. Once I'm on the ground, I reach up to grab her, but she keeps screaming. I'm thinking she's totally traumatized. (did I mention we have a large audience at this point?) I unpeeled her superhuman grip on the railing and I'm trying to tell her she's ok, I've got her, etc etc. Then....get this: She screams, "I WANNA SLIDE!!!!" Oh. Brother.

So I politely thank the other parents for moving their kids etc, I'm trying to ignore the hysterical screaming toddler in my arms and proceed to pick up my blanket and purse that I'd dropped to climb up and rescue my "princess", who is turning into the dragon at this point. I now have to walk across the entire park with my wailing girl and I *know* I was getting stares, but I just acted like it was nothing. I waved at a couple people I knew. Someone said something to me and smiled, I smiled back, but since my ears were ringing, I haven't a clue what they said. She was like an alarm siren or something. She didn't stop even after Eric pulled up and I buckled her in.

Never let it be said I don't know how to make an exit!

3 strikes....

I'm trying to get dressed for my 10 year high school reunion. Nothing makes you more aware of how much weight you've gained than the thought of seeing people who haven't seen you in 10 years and 55 lbs ago. There was no one I really wanted to impress... I think the fact that I have 6 kids is impressive enough that I am crazy. But I'm just thinking how the first thought in their head when they see me and recognize me (thanks to that name tag!) is, "Wow...She got FAT!"

Tonight is a picnic for the whole family and I made sure my kids were all dressed cute and were clean etc. Hoping I could thwart off any gawking at my fat butt by my fellow cavemen being blinded by beautiful children. (BWAAHAHA!)

I'm trying to get dressed, but I'm acutely aware of how snug my tops are (Yes, I'm breastfeeding my 6 month old, and I don't ever start to lose any weight until I ween my kids), how, ehem, saggy said breastfeeding receptacles are for lack of a decent bra, how my pudgy, lumpy belly sticks out, how crazy and uncontrollably BIG my hair has gotten (Seriously, the more I mess with my naturally curly hair, the WORSE it gets...you'd THINK I could remember that.). I can put this stuff in the back of my mind most days, but I am feeling very self conscious tonight.

I ask dh, "Honey, are there any pants that I have that you think make me look thinner?" (I'm meaning, anything that makes me look good...but just in case my dh reads this, I'm telling you what I said word for word)

He answers... "No. They're all the same."

STRIKE ONE.

I'm hurt, but I restate my question, hoping he just didn't get what I meant.

"I mean, is there any outfit I've worn that you think I look good in?"

Again, "No. Not really."

STRIKE TWO!!!!!!

I leave the room.

I'm hunting through my closet, hoping to find some magical pair of size 8's to fit my size 16/18 body, but nothing. I guess it must be at the dry cleaners.

I go back to the living room, hunting again through the folded laundry, hoping to find some gorgeous piece of clothing I never knew I owned that will be stunning and create such an illusion that I will have people stopping to ask me, "What's your secret?" ... Dh opens his mouth and says:

"Well the good thing is that medicine (I just started taking something for post pardum depression) will make you lose weight."

Did he just SAY THAT?

STRIKE THREE!!!!!

I stomp off to my room.

Dh comes in. (Yes, he's a glutton for punishment) He says, "What are you going to wear tomorrow? (The "semi formal" dinner for adults only)

I say, "I don't know...I can't find anything for today so I don't care yet."

And I can't remember exactly how he said it, but it was the tone, I swear. It was like, "What *in the world* are you going to *try to* wear tomorrow *because you can't fit in any of your clothes, you fat pig.* " I put my own words in there, obviously.

Then he says, in his final attempt at lame consoling, "Well, I'm fat too...". He said something after "too", but I didn't hear it.

By this point, I've had enough.

I tell him, something I've always told him the opposite of.... and that is that I want him to LIE TO ME! Tell me I look good even if I don't. Compliment me, even if you're thinking I've really got to lay off the M & Ms. Reassure me that I'm not as huge as I think. Remind me that I had a baby 6 months ago and FIVE others in the 8 years before that! Say something...anything other than what you're saying to me now!!!

So really, if you're counting, we're up to like strike six or something. :(

On a side note, he told me later (after I've yelled at him good! lol) that he "thinks I look good in *everything*" and that's why he couldn't pick a specific outfit. Whatever. You just keeeeeep back peddling, but you commited the cardinal sin. You called your wife fat!

Where ya going? I-duh-O.

Years ago when I was a kid and we were driving behind a, shall I put it nicely...confused driver? He switched lanes over and over, more often than not without signaling and he'd speed up and slow down. It was the middle of the day, and in "Happy Valley" Utah about 15 yrs ago so we weren't thinking he could be drunk. My Mom said, "Where ya goin?" (refering to the wayward driver) and my Dad answered for him, "I-DUH-O", as in "I don't know" (refering to his Idaho license plates.) They giggled over it and several times since then when we see an Idaho driver who seems a little lost in the agressive, me me me driving in Utah, we repeat the joke.

You probably had to be there...but it's a long standing family joke. We love to tease our extended family (my mom's parents and her brother's family) who are all from or still reside in Idaho.

Idahoians...please don't get mad, we actually liked driving in Idaho Falls 2 weeks ago way better than Utah. But that joke was just what comes to mind, almost every times I see this plate...

How do you say it?

I feel like I have a funnel the size of a pin and emotions and words and things that are trying to pour out of me...and they are Niagra Falls.

It's only now, days later I can atempt to document this... get these thoughts and feelings out before I burst at the seams. I don't know where to start, so I will just pick a spot.

I don't know how to get into it gracefully, or even be deep. I will just say an incredible person has left this earth and it's not fair or right to the least degree. Especially not to those who were left behind. Not her sweet, loved 3 children. Not her adoring and adored husband. Not her wonderful sister or niece. Not her best friends, and not all those who loved her and who's lives she made brighter, just by crossing our paths, or even while walking with us on our own troubled journeys.

That said, everything in the world is all...??? Things are upsidedown and don't make sense. Priorities have flip-flopped. Emotions are raw and so near the surface. I cried at The Wiggles, a hawk soaring (it was so beautiful...), not finding blue flowers to photograph. I cried at a joke...it was a funny joke, but I cried anyway.

I sit at this keyboard, crying even now, and my fingers stutter and can't find their marks. My brain can't find the words to send to them...words that should comfort my friends, who are hurting. It can't talk myself out of this fog that waxes and wanes, sometimes letting me feel warm sunshine, maybe for a second, but then comes crashing down and I hug myself to keep from falling over, and for warmth again, because it's hard to find it anywhere else.

If my husband were home from work, I'd be snuggled next to him in bed, crying, I know. He is my Rock. Even when he doesn't completely understand me or what I need, he makes every effort to do it anyway. I love him for that. I love him for loving me in all my imperfections and weirdness. Now I'm sad again for the loss that my dear friend's husband have lost...if only for this earthly life, it's still... so hard.

My husband went to the ER for chest pains the night we drove home from my cousin's wedding, and I was so so scared it would be something to take him away from me and our 6 children. My mind took that and ran which drove me to calling every several minutes for updates and imagining the worst inbetween.

Ends up, it's nothing they could see, but that doesn't matter. I'm still so worried to lose him. I know we're not to be tested above that we can bear, but I don't want to take that test. Maybe I can call in sick. He's my other half, but the good half, that sees in me what I don't. He has flaws, sure...but that's how he puts up with me. If he were perfect he'd go find someone better ;)

My heart hurts for this friend's family. It hurts over and over and sometimes it hurts so much I don't know how, because their's must be exploding. Why should I be *allowed* to hurt this much? It seems selfish. I'm not her child or husband. Or sister or aunty, or even best friend. She was my friend, oh yes. And I loved her. But I know I was not nearly as close to her as these others are, but why am I so heartbroken? I feel like I'm tresspassing on their grief.

Maybe it was because of the kind of person she was. Kylie was the most bright, fun, exubarant person I've ever know! She just oozed life! She absolutely adored her family and friends. She was giving and thoughtful...even amidst her own pain. It's not fair that this sun-shiny person had to be taken down to a point she felt she couldn't return from. It wasn't her. It wasn't her fault. That doesn't make it any simpler to understand, it really doesn't.

That's about all I can get out right now. :(