How do you say it?

I feel like I have a funnel the size of a pin and emotions and words and things that are trying to pour out of me...and they are Niagra Falls.

It's only now, days later I can atempt to document this... get these thoughts and feelings out before I burst at the seams. I don't know where to start, so I will just pick a spot.

I don't know how to get into it gracefully, or even be deep. I will just say an incredible person has left this earth and it's not fair or right to the least degree. Especially not to those who were left behind. Not her sweet, loved 3 children. Not her adoring and adored husband. Not her wonderful sister or niece. Not her best friends, and not all those who loved her and who's lives she made brighter, just by crossing our paths, or even while walking with us on our own troubled journeys.

That said, everything in the world is all...??? Things are upsidedown and don't make sense. Priorities have flip-flopped. Emotions are raw and so near the surface. I cried at The Wiggles, a hawk soaring (it was so beautiful...), not finding blue flowers to photograph. I cried at a joke...it was a funny joke, but I cried anyway.

I sit at this keyboard, crying even now, and my fingers stutter and can't find their marks. My brain can't find the words to send to them...words that should comfort my friends, who are hurting. It can't talk myself out of this fog that waxes and wanes, sometimes letting me feel warm sunshine, maybe for a second, but then comes crashing down and I hug myself to keep from falling over, and for warmth again, because it's hard to find it anywhere else.

If my husband were home from work, I'd be snuggled next to him in bed, crying, I know. He is my Rock. Even when he doesn't completely understand me or what I need, he makes every effort to do it anyway. I love him for that. I love him for loving me in all my imperfections and weirdness. Now I'm sad again for the loss that my dear friend's husband have lost...if only for this earthly life, it's still... so hard.

My husband went to the ER for chest pains the night we drove home from my cousin's wedding, and I was so so scared it would be something to take him away from me and our 6 children. My mind took that and ran which drove me to calling every several minutes for updates and imagining the worst inbetween.

Ends up, it's nothing they could see, but that doesn't matter. I'm still so worried to lose him. I know we're not to be tested above that we can bear, but I don't want to take that test. Maybe I can call in sick. He's my other half, but the good half, that sees in me what I don't. He has flaws, sure...but that's how he puts up with me. If he were perfect he'd go find someone better ;)

My heart hurts for this friend's family. It hurts over and over and sometimes it hurts so much I don't know how, because their's must be exploding. Why should I be *allowed* to hurt this much? It seems selfish. I'm not her child or husband. Or sister or aunty, or even best friend. She was my friend, oh yes. And I loved her. But I know I was not nearly as close to her as these others are, but why am I so heartbroken? I feel like I'm tresspassing on their grief.

Maybe it was because of the kind of person she was. Kylie was the most bright, fun, exubarant person I've ever know! She just oozed life! She absolutely adored her family and friends. She was giving and thoughtful...even amidst her own pain. It's not fair that this sun-shiny person had to be taken down to a point she felt she couldn't return from. It wasn't her. It wasn't her fault. That doesn't make it any simpler to understand, it really doesn't.

That's about all I can get out right now. :(