Message to my friends...and a reminder to myself.

This is really personal, and I'm sharing this in the hopes that if you are here reading this, and maybe if you've never experienced depression, especially long term, this may help you understand even just a little what it feels like. I've also shared how I'm trying to fight it. I hope you will read this without judgement on my part. I've tried to keep these things to myself as to not worry my friends and family when there was very little any of them could do. These are some random thoughts I've been having this morning, while worrying about a friend, who is struggling too. *deep breath* Here we go.

I don't think Ky killed herself because she felt unloved. She loved and was loved and she knew it. Over the last couple months, a few times I'd thought about *it*, somewhat seriously. But never once was it because I didn't think I was loved or not cared about. I know I have many many wonderful friends, more than I deserve, that would do anything to help me, if they knew how.

It was about feeling hopeless and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. It was feeling so rotten and worthless and that everything was just so much harder that it should be. It was the frustration at feeling these things and feeling like you had no control over it. You couldn't just "snap out of it".

It was also Satan doing every stinkin' thing he could to push those thoughts further to the forethought of my mind. To drill them in. To tell me it WAS hopeless, and I would NEVER feel better, never feel another way except how I felt now, and even if by some chance I did start to feel somewhat better, HE would be right there to drag me down as soon as I started to get a little shaky. It's absolutely terrifying, thinking you'll never be happy again and it's easier to just give up, right?

When you're in this dark place, thinking these things, it's very very easy to believe them. I've had thoughts that wouldn't go away in my bad times that on any "normal" day, I wouldn't have ever entertained for a millisecond. Your mind is altered. I think that may be what Satan does when he gets a little bit inside, to gnaw and poke and prod at your deepest fears, and tell you they are all true. I think his presence can absolutely change how your mind works. Physically. You can physically feel this too, like a dark, heavy weight pressing on you. AND I think he gets in when there has been a lack of light for so long. It's easier for him to creep in slowly, so that you don't even notice until BAM! I hadn't committed any big sins, just lack of keeping the light going in my life.

When I was feeling so crummy and I actually got an answer a couple times that I was supposed to do the things I knew I should be, like praying, reading the scriptures etc. I actually KNEW that would help me, (Not saying this is always a cure, or that if you're doing the "right" things, you will never suffer from depression or have any hardships, etc.) I couldn't do it. I felt so apathetic, because caring about my situation hurt me. I didn't want to try, even though I desperately wanted to be "all better". it would be "too hard". It was this big dumb contradiction: wanted to be better, but not being able to make yourself that way, even when you may very well have the answer under your nose. I think only one who's felt this same way understands that. Others may just see that as being lazy, or enjoying being sad etc.

So I've been working hard. I've been trying to fix the things I could and ignore the rest. Can I finish a bedroom in the basement-so the kids aren't squished and fighting- by myself because my hubby works 60 hrs a week and goes to school? Nope. Can I see into the future and know how we'll will survive on Eric only working part time at a dinky pay for the next 2 years while going to nursing school? Nope. Can I go through the mountain of laundry and get rid of half of it and get the rest washed, dried, folded and put away? Yes. Was it hard? Yup. Did it last for long? nope, but I had control over it, I could do it again, and again and again as frustrating as that was, *I* still had a hand in it. It's a simple little thing (well, my laundry pile cannot be called "simple" or "little", but you get the point), a household chore, for crying out loud! And one of the most dreaded of them all!(Especially if you have 6 small children...) But I began to feel again that I CAN control some aspects of my life, and recognizing that gave me more power. Absolutely forcing myself sometimes, I am doing things, although some days sporadically, that can change my surroundings, my attitude, and my heart.

I'm still not doing everything right. I've still got a negative outlook on somethings, but it's getting better. Not magically, but because I'm moving forward. Makes me harder for Satan to catch.